how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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