three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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