I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
