watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize