Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
