Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
