I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
