it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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