fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
