You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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