The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
She's the barista slut.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize