I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
