I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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