is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
