We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
