I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
