Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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