I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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