life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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