I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
