sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
