i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
