He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
