I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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