Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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