My liver just broke up with me...
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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