i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
