I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
