Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
