the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Are my feet made of real feet?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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