YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
