2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
