Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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