What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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