Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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