I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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