apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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