I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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