I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
