I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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