I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
