I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
