Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
