Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
