$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
