I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
