What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
