I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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