I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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