I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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