Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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