I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
