You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Vodka?
Forever.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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