Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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