I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
