there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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