I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
