even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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