yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm lost and stupid without you.
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
