Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
