god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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