New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
