my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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