i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
