I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
you had me at cake vodka
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
