i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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