Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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