i can't believe i had my finger in that
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
