is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i came on her dog
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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