I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
